Foreword:
Drinking is a very important part of Stage Crew...
Many of the stories banded about by older members of crew during those dark winter's evenings (or most gigs) are a direct result of alcohol (Either the story is about what someone did when they were drunk or the older member of crew is drunk and they are re-canting their 'back in my day' stories).
And once these older members start dying off or get dragged away by their other halves to start living the 'normal' life it will be up to you to carry on these traditions which have made crew great!
Warning, this manual uses language of an explicit nature. If you are easily offended then you should probably piss off you shandy drinking tart
Introduction to drinking
Like most aspects of crew, drinking is a very subjective thing. It is rarely the quantity of alcohol consumed (Although that sometimes helps) but the quality of the alcohol and the way in which you act once the alcohol is consumed.
But before drinking can commence you need to be familiar with the equipment involved:
Equipment
Glasses:
These are basic drinking vessels used for holding a variety of liquids. They come in various sizes and shapes but the commons ones are:
Pint Glass:
This is what crew drink out of.
Full Pint glass: the sign of a freshly poured beer (Note this is also the sign of an untouched beer so beware).
Half full pint glass: (For the benefit of any philosophers or psychology students please note not half empty), the sign that someone should get the next round in soon.
Empty pint glass: This is normally a sign that you should have ordered another beer sooner.
Half Pint Glass:
This is often requested but rarely seen as many people would rather buy a Pint glass and then waste fluid than order anything in a half pint glass.
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Shorts Glass:
Not seen very often as many members of crew prefer to drink draft beers rather than spirits. Drinking from Shorts glasses is one of the few ways you can get away with watering down alcohol with lemonade or coke etc.
Wine glass:
Normally seen once or twice a year unless you are getting a white wine for the lady*.
* Note: We at USSU Crew do not support the white wine for the lady stereotype. In fact we often demand that female members attempt to drink their own body weight in lager (Something that only the smallest, skinniest male members of crew have ever got close to achieving).
Glasses are an ideal drinking vessel as they can hold any fluid you choose so if you feel the bit worse for wear then a quick shandy can be poured and consumed without raising too many suspicions.
Cans, Bottles:
The concept of these containers is very similar to that of glasses but normally these containers are pre-labelled and filled. This means that every one will be able to tell exactly what you are drinking. One benefit of cans and bottles is that the contents remain untouched by human hands prior to being opened and ence are free of those impurities that are sometimes found in draft beer (Pipe cleaning fluid for example).
Warning: beware of ash around the lip of any bottle or can you are about to drink from!!
---Drinking out of this is bad!!!!!
Jugs:
Jugs are a fantastic piece of equipment for drinking as they can serve a multitude of purposes and are generally aimed at the mass market or alcoholics:
- A money saving device.
E.g. A 4 pint jug of lager for the price of 3 pints.
Very good for group drinking when you are all drinking the same thing.
- A labour saving device.
One jug each can often save multiple trips to the bar. But this suffers from two drawbacks:
Warm lager doesn't taste very good but warm (not hot) bitter does (Apparently!)
Buying a round of 4 pint jugs can often be expensive.
An excuse for drinking some girly cocktail or other.
An age old ruse where someone who would not normally buy a cocktail will purchase one on the grounds that it comes in a jug, and not because of its colour and the chance that it will have a cocktail umbrella sticking out of it.
Drinking Methods:
Well if you don't know how to drink by now then this section isn't going to help at all. Anyway I know how to drink so I'm off to the bar??
The Aftermath:
So you've got drunk, and I don't mean tipsy, I mean the steaming memory loss kind of drunk which follows a heavy drinking session.
First things to do:
- See if you have any new cuts, bruises, grazes, scars or broken bones.
- Locate your keys, wallet and phone (Probably in that order)
- Find the clothes that you were wearing the night before (And we mean all of them).
- Check clothes for unusual stains which could shed light on the previous night?s activities (Vomit, blood etc).
A common part of drinking is the waking up somewhere strange in bed with someone(s) (Hey, you might get lucky).
A short list of things not to say:
- Hi my name is _________ pleased to meet you.
- Who are you?
- Arrrrrgggggghhhhhhh!
- Oh my god - I've pulled a pig!!
There are two schools of thought on how to deal with this situation (Which one you choose may depend on the person who you have woken up next to).
Either grunt and groan and be as non communicative as possible until you've found out where you are and who you are with.
Or make up a fake excuse/name and leave as quickly as possible (Please note the following false names are not permitted. In alphabetical order Chris, Ian either spelling, Nick, Oscar, Stick or Wilf).
Once you are in the clear you should try to piece together the events of the previous evening. There are many approaches to this:
- See if the people in your house are still talking to you.
- If you had (and still have) a digital camera, see if you have any incriminating photos (Such photos include pictures of cleavages, evidence of cross dressing etc).
- See if there are lots of police cars patrolling the local area.
- See if any acts of vandalism are being reported on the local radio station.
- Look for unusual objects in your room. Such objects could include the following:
- Shopping trolley (and don?t say that will never happen as I live on the 3rd floor, because it could)
- Traffic cones
- Road works lights (Those yellow ones which flash)
- Traffic lights
- Road Signs
- Public footpath signs (Including post)
- Carpets with The _____ Hotel on them.
- Go back to your local and try and buy a drink to find out whether or not you were barred the night before.
- You could even ask the people that you went drinking with but they are as unlikely to remember the events of the night before if you can't.
The Hangover:
One of the penalties of not drinking often or much is the hangover, possibly the worst punishment for drinking known to man (Next to waking up with a hangover with the other half complaining about what you did last night).
The cure for hangovers (Apart from not drinking in the first place which is silly so won't be discussed here, anybody interested in this should put this guide down and leave the bar immediately) vary from person to person.
A short list of classic cures are given below:
- Water
- Dark Rooms / the lack of bright light
- Fruit juice
- Chocolate
- A can of Diet Coke
- More Beer
- Bacon.
- Truckers Breakfast in Chancellors
Safety:
In order to prevent injury and drink spillage we recommend that you always drink with your arm bent at 90 degrees (Something that crew have never achieved).
Unlike other aspects of crew, safety equipment is not compulsory (In fact if you can think of any safety equipment that is suitable then let us know).
Also unlike other crew activities, drinking whilst over the legal driving limit is completely recommended.
Good places to sleep:
- Beds
- Campus floors
- Sofas
- On a pile of drapes
Bad places to sleep:
- The truss (And we mean whilst it is in the roof).
- In the middle of the road.
- Under a security camera.
- Police cells (You have been warned)
Warning / Disclaimer:
The drinking of beer will only make you invulnerable to pain on a temporary basis and will not prevent broken bones, death or a criminal record.
Beer does not (on the whole) improve your ability to climb, drive etc.
Beer has been known to make you dance like a retard (Or worse, like a 70?s disco dancer) and to make you think that you can sing.
If you are going to get drunk, please try to remember where you live. This is very important for two reasons:
- It makes it easier for the more sober people to get you home.
- It could save you a 4 hour walk home when you only live 20 minutes away.
Please note that 'I used to live there' doesn't count as an excuse for trying to get into somewhere you don't live.
If someone is talking to you and they are wearing a uniform do not assume that they are a stripper and start groping them or shouting 'Get them off'.
Beer has been known to cause people to declare undying love to their friends, their family, complete strangers, walls/pillars etc.
In the event that you have drunk a little too much, do not start grading / rating members of the opposite sex who happen to be in the room. Women do not take kindly to being graded gold, silver or bronze (Especially if you are doing this to their face and / or grading them badly). Men don't mind being graded / rated so long as they are at the top of the list.
The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not (Especially when commenting on the looks / attributes of a member of the opposite sex).
The consumption of alcohol could make you say things you do not realise you are saying at the time, and may regret later.
Sayings and Abbreviations:
There are a wide variety of words and phrases used to describe drinks, drinking...
For example the phase 'I was drunk' can be replaced with any of the following gems.
I was...
- bladdered
- f**ked
- hammered
- loaded
- mashed
- mullered
- off my face
- off my tits
- off my trolley
- out my skull
- pissed
- plastered
- rat-assed
- slaughtered
- smashed
- s**t-faced
- trashed
- wankered
- wasted
- wrecked
Here are a few examples of slang used to describe different drinks:
| White Cloudy S**t | Schmirnoff Ice
|
| JDC | A Jack Daniels and Coke
|
| JDL | A JD and Lemonade
|
| Blastaway | Castaway mixed with diamond white.
|
| Newky | Newcastle Brown Ale... substantial beer encased in a substantial bottle - it ain't no alcopop. The worst drink on earth when warm, wonderful when almost freezing cold
|
| Mad Mex | Red aftershock and tequila
|
| Boilermaker | Get a pint of beer (NOT LAGER) - Boddingtons is best - and drop a shot glass of whisky into it. Optimum recipe is Jamesons and Boddies. |
A selection of phrases that may be heard whilst drinking:
| Pub! | Let's go out for a drink
|
| Beer! | Let's go out for a drink
|
| While your there! | As you are at the bar / fridge can I have a drink please?
|
| Hmmm, pissed I am! | I've drunk too much and probably should be taken home soon. I mean, come on- you think you're Yoda you must be pissed.
|
| Half pint | Someone with a less than average drinking ability
|
| Piss head | Someone with a greater than average drinking ability
|
| Beer scooter | The ability to get home after a night out on the booze and not remember it, i.e. "I don't even remember getting home last night, I must have got the beer scooter".
|
| Beer Goggles | Wearing 'Beer Goggles' gives the wearer the ability to see beauty in the local gargoyles. Normally worn after drinking many beers.
|
| The Cider Visor | The cider drinker's equivalent of 'Beer Goggles'
|
| Crew Raid | To attend a venue, get drunk, and 'liberate' parts of the light rig/rigging equipment/anything else that you may deem to be useful., ,
|
ALWAYS REMEMBER: BEER IS GOOD, IF YOU DRINK BEER YOU WILL GO TO HEAVEN. IF YOU DON?T, YOU EITHER DRINK GIRLY STUFF (EXCEPTING JUGS) OR WILL PERISH IN THE DEEPEST, DARKEST DEPTHS OF CHANCELLORS.
You have been warned!
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