Don't Be A SINBAD

(Shamelessly 'adapted' from "Don't Be A SINBAD (A Dating Guide for male real ale fans)")

Women and Gigs. Both have the ability to alter your thinking processes; both cost a fortune in the long term and an unfavourable one can leave a memorable bad taste in the mouth. Some blokes like to do gigs. For those of us who have an understanding wife/partner/[non specific category], this is not a problem. Our women understand our needs, their frequent rogering of your credit card is an acceptable compromise in their eyes. No problem. Life isn't perfect.

However, for those guys who have concentrated their attention more on gigs than on women, they will eventually realise that finding the right wife/partner/[non specific category] becomes increasingly fraught. The problem is simple. Spending more free time down the Union, on outside gigs or simply sitting in front of the TV with a crate of beer (and the mandatory take-away) will eventually degrade your already limited social skills at capturing the attentions of the opposite sex. Some Crew blokes have so far to one extreme that they are frequently mistaken for train spotters, War-gaming entusiasts or worse still, frequent visitors to the Peterborough Truck Fest! This is unfair and a travesty.

Result? You are at interminable risk of being labelled a SINBAD (Student/Single income, No Bird, Absolutely Desparate)! Do not Panic. All is not lost. With this simple guide to meeting the oposite sex, retaining their attention and admitting to being Crew, you too can find the wife/partner/[non specific category] of your dreams.

This guide will help the ladies see beyond the superficial image and appreciate your finer and more cultured traits and convince her you are a truly exceptional bloke (Just don't try the "I can name what all the bits of my leatherman are for" trick - especially at the first introductions stage). What's more, once she is hooked onto your ability to to tap into your more feminine, caring nature and ply her with all the attention she needs, you can still go down the Union and do some gigs. Just make sure you have a credit card worth rogering.

To assist those men folk most in need, this guide has been divided into 15 easy to follow tips.

Tip 1 - Plan Ahead:
Get the best place in the union. There is no point going into punter-land late when it is heaving with talent. You end up wishing you were as oily as a wet haddock simply to squeeze your way to the bar. So stake your teritory early. (This can result in the consumption of too much beer when the moment of opportunity arrives - stick to beers of 3.5% ABV or lower). Find a prime position that allosw full survaillance of the area.

Tip 2 - Contact:
If you spot an interesting bit of talent, remember these rules: if she is looking at you you're either pissed, a complete muppet or she likes you! Assuming the third option is correct, look back ate her. If she holds your gaze, you're in. Show her you're a true bloke of confidence and look again. If she looks away, that's an amber signal. If she looks again several times - green light! Remeber your driving test - Mirror, Signal, Manoeuvre.

Tip 3 - Call for Backup:
Take a mate with you (assuming he's not likely to scare the living daylights out of her with his well-worn party trick of slapping a thomas clamp on their wrists and challenging them to escape). Off you pop to the loo whilst your mate gets talking and showers you with praise and kudos for the ace bloke you really are. This will depen her curiosity and a need to find out more. Your evening is thus sown up. However, remember that she will find out your mate was right or a pathological liar. Best find a mate who can sail a lie detector test.

Tip 4: Steer Clear of Girly Nights Out:
Despite the fact that a group of girls on a night out provides optimal numbers of possible introductions, history tells us that in this day and age, you are more likey to suffer abject abuse and humilliation. Girls who are on a girly night outare up for a laugh and a joke (usually at some poor bloke's expense). If you can't prise one away from the pack, leave some other chap to their mercy.

Tip 5 - Put it About:
Don't be downhearted. Try to chat to as many women as possible. The chances of rejection are high bau so are the chances of success. It is all down to statistical probability. It might take all night and your only remaining gambit may be "God, I'm pissed, How about it?" If she says yes, chances are she is mentally impaired. They are out there somewhere.

Tip 6 - make contact early:
Tentative physical contact in the early stages is vital. If not, you'll finish up with a reputation of having as much pulling power as a Tonka toy with dead batteries. Physical contact is the cementing factor. This is why, for example, Italian blokes get laid more despite the fact they use too much Brylcream and smell funny.

Tip 7 - Youthful Charm:
Nostalgia and sentiment are two commodoties women deal in. Nothing is guarenteed to disarm them more than hearing about your recollection of something sweet from your youth. The inclusion of siblings or parents in your story hints to her that deep down you're a family man at heart. Nevertheless, exercise caution. No woman wants to hear about that one time in Southampton that you were crosspacking some trucks and you were so short of time you put off going to the loo and you pooped your pants. Pick your subjects well.

Tip 8 - Being an Arty-Farty Luvvie is OK - sometimes:
Simply read two books before you venture out. Naked Lunch by William Burrows shows her that you are a little bit dangerous and naturally expect sex to accompany your drugs (in this case Beer) and Rock 'n' Roll. Alternatively, Stendahl's The Red and the Black is a perfect choice. It is about young malcontent Frence nubile-seducing men. Aparrently both books are good for chatting up female students. Other women will think you are a complete tosser. Exercise with caution!

Tip 9 - Don't live in the Bloke-Zone:
Talking about women does NOT mean slagging off your ex for the next 2 hours. Simply make it clear that you are girly-centred by acknowledging that some of your friends are women. Try Practicing "My friend, Sue, says....."
Women, unlike men, do not fantasize about having sex with virgins.

Tip 10 - Gossip:
All women love to know other people's secrets. Try something like "I really houldn't be telling you this but...." it is the best gambit to getting her hooked

Tip 11 - Go for creativity:
"Do you Write/Paint?" is the god of open-ended questions. All women imagine themselves to be creative souls. She will either answer "Yes, I write a bit of ....." or "I've always wanted to but...." In which case, butter her claims, tell her she has such a way with words. The compliment will fuel her fire towards you and she'll want to talk all night

Tip 12 - Keep it down:
How many times have you been told this? The more you drink, the louder you get. Unless she's registered as deaf and has a RNID card for proof, avoid it at all costs. Instead talk in a lower, softer, voice. She'll want to move closer so she can hear you better and, again, the personal space ice-breaker has been cracked.

Tip 13 - Don't forget the Clobber:
Women spend a bloody fortune on clothes. If you don't notice them, you've had it. Simple stuff like "That's a nice dress" will reap rediculously easy rewards. Talk is cheap - use it!

Tip 14 - If all else fails...:
Get her drunk. Oldest trick in the book. If, after 16 pints, the moose standing net to you suddenly starts to look fantastic - and vice-versa.

Tip 15 - But not for you:
Blokes who are drunk talk rubbish, smell disgusting and walk with rubber legs. So stick to the 12 pint mark!


Now Get out there and find yourself a wife/partner/[non specific category] or at least some FUN!