05/07/2002

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Here is a joke someone sent me
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Subject: A modern love letter

Dearest Boy

I am very happy to inform you that I have feelings for you since Monday the 4th of Jul 2002. With reference to the meeting held between us on the 4th of Jul 2002 at 1500 hours, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover.

Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent. Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous on-the-relationship
training and relationship appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse.The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses. However I am broad-minded enough, to be taken care of, on your expense account.

I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter failing which, this offer would be canceled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else.

I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your brother, if you do not wish to take up this offer.

Thanking you in anticipation.

Yours sincerely,
[Girl]

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I thought it was amusing so I decided to make up a reply to it:
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Dear Girl

Thank-you for your letter dated 4th July 2002 but I am afraid I am unable to offer you such a position at this time.

Since my recent promotion, and subsequent large salary increase, my office has been innundated with letters of such a nature from women (and a couple of men) like yourself. It must be said, however, that the terms described in your offer are very fair an would have been most tempting if I weren't already dating your sister and as such I feel diverging my romantic efforts in this way would prove counter-productive.

Should my relationship with your sibling fail I should very much like to embark in a relationship with you as it would mean a reduction in the work involved in re-programming my mobile phone for a new home telephone number.

Thankyou once again for your time and I am sorry that the response could not have been more favourable.

Yours Sincerely

Boy

P.S. I have passed on your letter to my brother but I would not expect a favorable response as he is homosexual and already in a relationship. He is currently looking for a 'Shopping Buddy' and may contact you soon to offer you such a position

22/03/2002

This letter was apparently sent to NTL, a UK ISP

Warning - PG13, low-level earthy Brit expressions

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Dear Cretins,

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up
for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone.

During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of
service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as
ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow
me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your
professional perogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or
more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining
reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H
and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.

My initial installation was cancelled without warning or notice, resulting
in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat a**e waiting for
your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive at all, I spent a
further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the
even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your
helpful website?. how? I alleviated the boredom to some small degree
by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you
are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.

The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later,
although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools -
such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable
modem had still not arrived. After several further telephone calls
(actually 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks) my modem arrived -
a total of six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.

I estimate that the downtime of your internet servers is roughly 35%?
these are usually the hours between about 6pm and midnight, Monday
to Friday, and most of the useful periods over the weekend. I am still
waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 telephone calls
on my mobile to your no-help line this week, and have been unhelpfully
transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems
also highly skilled bollock jugglers.

I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone
will call me back), that no telephone line is available (and someone
will call me back), that I will be transferred to someone who knows
whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off),
that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a
telephone line is available (and then been redirected to an answer
machine informing me that your office is closed), that I will be
transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line
is available (and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish
robot woman) and several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least
a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another
one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to.

Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice
my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music.

Forgive me, therefore, if I continue. I thought BT were s**t, that they had
attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations, that no-one,
anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more
obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose
NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there?

How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable
dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards
you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum -
incompetents of the highest order. British Telecom - wankers though
they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy pus-filled
mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have
now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of
service from you. I suggest that you do likewise, and cease any
potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services
which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver -
any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief -
although these feelings will quickly be replaced by derision, and
even perhaps a small measure of bemused rage.

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats
litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for
both you, and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have
not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at
the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if
you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture.
Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and
its worthless employees.

Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you
irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of tw*ts,

Yours psychotically,

Xxxx Xxxxxxx

21/03/2002

21/03/2002

Signs that never should have been made (Warning - Lots'o'Graphics)

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of
humor.

Here are some (allegedly) logged maintenance complaints and problems, as
submitted by QUANTAS pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance
engineers. By the way,Qantas is the only major airline that has never
had an accident.

P = The problem logged by the pilot.
S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.
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P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

OK - Here's one I found in a delivery faliure at work: